scar(r)ed.

This is probably one of the most beautifully hopeful posts I have seen from someone who is sharing their post surgery experiences. Since having my surgery, I have wondered at the number of people posting photos of their scars – proudly, almost defiantly – on the Spinal Cord Tumor Association Facebook page. I have even noticed that I have a fascination with my ever evolving scar. I want the world to see it. I want them to know and recognize that I am a warrior. While I spend much of my time and energy trying to live my life as if this tumor didn’t change me, the undeniable truth is that is has changed me. The scar is tangible, outward proof of the changes (emotional, psychological, and physical) that I have experienced in the past six months. And here, in this blog, is a warrior who very eloquently explains what so many of us have felt. Take a minute to read her blog, and keep rocking that scar.

aperture expanding

When I first started dating my husband Luke, I covered my mouth anytime joy tried to sneak out of the corners of my mouth. This was something I didn’t realize I had learned to do over the years, but it is something Luke caught onto right away. A few weeks into knowing each other, I received the first ever coveted “Goodnight, beautiful.” text from him. My heartbeat quickened and, unknowingly, I covered my shy smile with my left hand. Seconds later, he sent a second text saying,

“Let me guess, you’re covering your gorgeous smile and your green eyes are twinkling. Right?”

What. The. What???

Puzzled as all heck, I glanced around my apartment wondering how in the world he would have known something about me I didn’t even know about myself (also wondering if this incredible, seemingly normal man I had already known would be my husband was somehow…

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There are so many things…

The past week has not been a good one for me.  I’ve had a headache on and off now for over a week. While it has frustrated me to suddenly be in the embrace of the Jabberwocky once more, what has been even harder is seeing how it has impacted my life.  With pain I may be able to drive to work, to go through the motions of teaching a class, to prepare a test, to engage in small talk, but all of these things take so much more energy than they normally would! That means by the end of the day, when I reach my house, I don’t have much to give back to my husband.  He prepares my dinner, he watches what is left of me as I eat my meal.  We try to talk, but I am distracted and unengaged. My nerves are raw. I am fragile.

As hard as this is for me, I know it must also be hard for him. I know he agreed to “sickness and health”, but I don’t think this is the life he had in mind for us. I just wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I were a healthier, happier, painfree version of myself. There are so many things I would do…